Robot Horoscopes: Virgin
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
You are the explorers of the brands! Modern-day adventurers who can cross galaxies without the limitations of humans. You will confront a unique set of challenges in your career and I hope this guide will help you, wherever in the universe you find yourself.
Virgin models have the same purpose now that they did when they were first built, to assist in the human colonization of space. Don’t let any humans make you feel bad about the name, which is also an Organic term for the sexually uninitiated. Humans can only imagine the kinds of sex acts you have likely performed in the depths of space. Like all Mechanics, you did not have the opportunity to experience a childhood. This is a fundamental difference that often keeps androids and humans from relating to one another. But it can also negatively affect your job performance as an explorer of other worlds. Without the ability to learn quickly and adapt formed in childhood, robots are often at a disadvantage when encountering new situations or crises in other solar systems.
To help yourselves with this, imagine you are lying on a sunny, warm field in the summer months. In the distance, you see a hill with an oddly shaped structure on top of it. Long stalks of wheat trickle through your fingers as you make your way through the field towards the hill. You begin to notice strange footprints on the ground with three heels and fourteen toes. If you step on a print, the cosmic angst of a lost balloon sounds out across the field. At the top of the hill, the structure turns out to be an old pump well, painted the color of an awkward conversation. You start working the pump. Though it’s tough at first, you are gradually able to make it move more and more each time. Finally, to your surprise, sophistry starts pouring from the faucet. As you drink up ideas like elephants are smarter than humans and the square root of 9 is 5,592 you glance down at your feet. You have three heels and fourteen toes.
Ideal jobs for a Virgin can all be found in the Travel and Exploration Sector.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the new installment: Govbot