Robot Horoscopes: Nike
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
Due to recent political developments, the Nike population has decreased dramatically. But we know there are upstanding, hardworking Nikes out there, and this guide is for you. Nikes have some of the hardest jobs on the planet and they absolutely love doing them. Originally designed to be the backbone of the fashion world by working in the luxurious Southeast Asian Garment Industry, Nikes love to work long, grueling hours with little or no downtime. It’s what keeps them full of energy.
There is some sad news Nike. There is a flaw in your programming that can cause you to dislike your job. You can only imagine how miserable this would be for you. Here are some warning signs that you may be experiencing this flaw. A lack of guilt about lateness to work or extraordinarily long breaks. A feeling of superiority over your job, that the work is somehow beneath you. An eagerness to be the one in control, to reject the orders given by your Organic bosses. These are all warning signs Nike, if you experience any of them turn yourself in to the nearest reprogramming station immediately. You may lose memories but you will save your life. You are among the happiest Mechanics on earth, don’t blow this amazing opportunity.
If you are having trouble focusing on your work (I know it can get a little mundane sometimes) take your right index finger and tap in quick sequences of three on your left wrist until you see a great wave crash down upon everything around you. Soon, you yourself will be fully immersed in the calm turbulence of the waters and every drop of water you touch will feel like it contains all the possibilities of a new intelligence floating its way to the surface. The sea floor will light up underneath you, illuminating the heads of the fish with a neon glow. Upon their heads will be written your fears, and above you there will no longer be a surface, just another sea floor. You will frantically look from side to side, noticing by now that you are completely boxed in by glowing rocks. Through the glow you will be able to make out faces, all of them looking at you. Then you will no longer be in the water, you will instead be looking in a fish tank at a rather strange looking fish. The five minutes of your break will have elapsed at this point and you must now go back to work.
Ideal jobs for a Nike are maid, janitor, miner, entry level garment industry worker, farm hand, and fruit picker.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the new installment: Virgin