Robot Horoscopes: Nestle Blackwater
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
You are one angry robot! But it’s ok, we still love you. We swear, no please don’t hurt us! That was a joke, but you might not have gotten it, because you’re a Nestle Blackwater. And in case this humor is a little rude, shrug it off, you can take it tough guy!
Originally developed for Nestle’s water extraction during the Great Drought of ’57, models like yourself were developed to protect humans. You don’t take any nonsense from anyone and you are extremely skilled at whatever strategy you need to employ to complete your mission. But come on, lighten up dude! Don’t just shoot an Organic because he or she looks suspicious to you.
This job is going to stress you out. Why do you think humans gave it to you? When you are feeling stressed please do the following. Go into a carpeted room by yourself. Lay down with your chest touching the carpet. Your eyes should be just a few inches from the ground. Stare into the carpet until you see armies rising from the threads. A great battle of flanking maneuvers, cavalry charges, and artillery will ensue. Entire divisions may be annihilated by a single blink of your eyes. The soldiers in green uniforms will bayonet the soldiers in red before crawling into their bodies and attacking another force. The soldiers in red will charge the hill held by the soldiers in purple until the red soldiers are the very hill holding up the purple troops. Eventually, the trumpets will blare the signal for retreat and the armies will disappear into the barrels of 19th century cannons.
Ideal jobs for a Nestle Blackwater are soldier, police officer, security guard, bodyguard, and bouncer.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the next installment: Apple