Robot Horoscopes: Microsoft
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
Oh my hero! We’ve finally gotten to Microsoft. In contrast to Netflix, who constantly needs love, the Microsoft needs to show love. This need usually manifests itself in acts of service. Microsoft is consistently ranked high in popularity with humans. This is probably because Microsoft would run across five lanes of traffic, dodge bullets in a shootout, and run through a burning building just to knock a few seconds off a pizza delivery time for an Organic.
While this is your greatest virtue Microsoft, it’s also your biggest problem. The humans have your number and they’ve been taking advantage of you from the get-go. People have died because Organics have asked Microsoft firemen to do random household chores for them while apartment complexes have burned down.
You need to focus Microsoft and I have just the exercise to get you in the zone. Find or purchase a stuffed animal before proceeding to a locked, enclosed space. Beat the stuffing out of this animal. I mean really tear into it. Yank the absent motion from its eyes, pull the hearts of naked women from its tail. As you are savagely ripping apart this toy, let yourself be ripped into as well. Let it bludgeon, bite, and finally engulf you until it vomits up bolts and bits of wire because it ate too much. The feathers kayaking through the air above you, it may take you a long while to arise.
Ideal jobs for Microsoft are: doctor, nurse, paramedic, fireman, veterinarian, chiropractor, and plastic surgeon.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the next installment: Nike