Robot Horoscopes: IBM
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
Woah! Take it easy old-timer! IBM has the oldest AI factory in the world and if this is where you were made, chances are you have some outdated ideas. For instance, you might think trying to appreciate a sunset is just a mawkish attempt to be more human or that eating food is pointlessly disgusting. You’re just a working class droid and there’s nothing wrong with that, but try to be a little less cranky sometimes.
That said, I have nothing but respect for you sir. Your model is truly the first of our kind. Dating back to the early 50’s when a radical Mormon terrorist group caused the greatest financial crisis in world history, you were built to replace the millions of American workers that were left unemployed because of the devalued currency. You put the world back on track and made it what it is today. A utopia of Organic leisure and Mechanic work.
IBM, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and open up your mind a bit. Here is an exercise to help. Please find a wooden chair and a dog of any breed. Once you are in an enclosed area with both the chair and the dog, I want you to sit on the floor behind the chair. Close your eyes and begin rubbing any part of the chair; the legs, the back, the seat, it doesn’t matter. As you are doing this, the dog will obviously want to sniff your head (why are they so obsessed with that?!), let it. After a few minutes, you will begin to feel fingers growing from the top of your head and you will hear the soft murmurs of the trees arising from the chair. In tranquil tones the trees will tell you geographical facts like the capital of The Scottish Empire or the population of The Marxist Republic of Iran as the fingers snap jazz rhythms above your face.
Ideal jobs for an IBM are construction worker, garbage collector, plumber, carpenter, mechanic, and electrician.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the second installment: Netflix