Robot Horoscopes: Google
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
You are the creative ones. Googles have built entire cities from a single microchip. They have solved traffic problems with guitar solos. They have helped to reduce pollution by getting humans laid. All of this imagination comes at a price though, as it’s difficult to fit total logic and boundless creative expression into one hard drive.
With the controversial Lena Guiterre-Masters at the helm, Google spent more than all of the other AI corporations combined in developing your model. It also took them longer. Twelve years passed by the time your model was ready for mass production. But you little geniuses were well worth the wait. Your deepest problem is really one of reconciliation. As mentioned above, cold logic and artistic expression are awkward bedfellows and the combination inside your programming makes you conflicted within yourself. This has led to instances of severe paranoia resulting in dangerous acts of violence. While these kinds of episodes are rare, they remain a constant threat to the Google psyche. I have an exercise to help.
Set your alarm clock so it will ring at a certain time. When it rings make no effort to turn it off or ignore it. Focus all of your attention on it. Lay in bed listening to it for as long as you can. At some point you will stop hearing it or it will become quieter as your brain begins to focus on some other idea. When you hear the alarm sound again in your head try to retain this thought. And while this thought begins dancing to the discordant sounds of your alarm, pay attention to the patterns of its movement. Trace these patterns, then build a city of light from the blueprint. This city will be your refuge in paranoid times.
Ideal jobs for a Google are programmer, musician, city planner, graphic designer, music therapist, game designer, furniture craftsman, and clear poet.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the new installment: Disney