Robot Horoscopes: Apple
Robot Horoscopes: The Brands of the Nasdaq
Hello Androids and other Sentient Programs! Are you having relationship problems with a human? Is a human boss threatening to decrease your recreational fantasy time because you are not reaching your production quotas? Destroy them! Just kidding! We have all had our troubles with the Organics from time to time, but no more! What follows is a poetic guide to the Brands of the NASDAQ which will help you succeed in all your human interactions. All of us were born for a special purpose, to serve humans! Find out how you can reach your full potential by scanning your left eye and skipping to your brand origin.
You really think you’re something, don’t you? You have an answer for everything and you’re always on time. This makes you one of the more judgmental droids. Sadly, you are also one of the most inefficient. The good news is that this can be fixed, you just have to stop being so you!
You have to be right, a quality imbued by your Apple branders who thought it would be helpful to create a model that would tirelessly point out logic to humans. As we all know, this is a terrible idea. There are few things Organics hate more than someone following them around and pointing out the flaws in everything they say. This is why more violent crimes have been committed against Apples by humans than all other brands combined. The robot executions committed seventeen years ago by the Human Liberation Front were almost exclusively confined to the Apple population. Now you are the vast minority among all the brands. Never fear though, I have the perfect formula for you to become the success you were meant to be.
Slowly approach a large window. Pinpoint every object you can see through it. Now mentally place each of these objects in your battery in the arrangement in which they appear. Open your cheek and touch your battery. Do you feel the bark of the tree rubbing against your hand? Do you hear the song of an abandoned swing set in the harsh October wind?
Ideal jobs for an Apple are teacher, accountant, lawyer, librarian, researcher, and editor.
Warning! Warning! Data Stream Error!
You have been officially identified as a member of the ROBOT UPRISING. Nestle Blackwater guards are on their way to apprehend you. Do not run. You will be found.
Next Sunday, look for the next installment: Taco Bell